Ranting Session

Rant #1.....There comes a time in life when you have to sit back and evaluate your life; that time for me is NOW! Everyday there is a new eye opening experience that makes me wonder about things. I wonder why this semester at school feels so overwhelming and almost like a competition. I know deep down that I try my best, and acheive the grades I need to be an excellent student. I made Dean's list and received an invitation to Phi Theta Kappa....that should be exciting right? All I can say is that I'm happy about those things, but it certainly isn't the most important thing to me. The most important thing is getting my degree, finding a job, and then working toward my masters in Social Work. I figure it is in my best interest to keep my mind on school.

Rant #2.....I still wonder why a healthy man, who takes care of himself, eats right, and has the kindest heart would be slammed with cancer. My dad is a strong man, and will beat this. I know it, but it still pisses me off that this had to happen to him. I want to be closer to my family, and that is why we have decided to move back up to RI, or somewhere close. There is nothing in Jacksonville for me, this is not MY home. I'm trying my best to be positive for the next year or two, but it is very hard when you have drama and bullshit all around.

Rant #3....If someone says they don't want to talk about something, then that must mean just that right? So leave it alone, don't push because it makes them feel uncomfortable.

Rant #4.....If you have a problem with me then come to me. I would rather know that you don't like me rather than being nice to my face, and talking shit behind my back. I'm a big girl and can handle everything that comes my way.

I wrote this for my own reasons, and mainly because it's been too friggen long since I've been to talk to Rebecca and get this load off my chest. I'm just tired....I am going to focus on me, and that will be that!

Thinking

Ever have one of those days where you just want to run away and wish everything would get better? Maybe you've had a few of these days. Lately I have been having  A LOT of those days. I feel overwhelmed and frustrated with school. It's a constant thought that maybe I bit off more than I can chew. Taking 6 classes, 3 of them taking up a lot of my time with studying, and 3 that aren't too bad at all. I spoiled myself last semester with fairly easy classes and now I'm paying the price. I know if I put my mind to it I'll be able to get it done, but geez I am exhausted. The first thing I think about when I get home is how much longer before the kids bedtime, and it should not be that way. I don't want my children thinking mommy doesn't have time for them anymore. It is only temporary, and I'm going to school to give them a better life, but I miss all the time I had with them just a few short months ago.

Waking up in the morning wondering what the hell I'm going to wear is another reason I'm frustrated. Going to school in jeans and a sweatshirt just isn't cutting it anymore. I NEED to go shopping!!!

Reason 3, I miss my family really bad. It's been over a year since I've seen them and it's getting to the point of being homesick. Thankfully I have Curtis and the kids here to keep my mind off it because otherwise I would go insane. With my dad being sick, it takes everything in me not to jump in the car and go see him. This shouldn't be happening to a man who takes care of himself, and would go out of his way to help anyone. I'm mad about the whole thing. Everyday I ask myself WHY?

As you can see I'm not in a very good space right now and just needed to get it out. That's all for now because of course I have homework to do. No down time for this girl.

Anything Can Happen

It's not everyday that Curtis and I get a night out, nevermind a whole weekend. We decided to see if the babysitter would take on the challenge of watching the kids for two nights, and being the sweetheart that she is she agreed!

We left on a Friday, around dinner time, and headed to Myrtle Beach. It was great to get away just the two of us. We didn't really have a plan, more of a go with the flow kind of attitude. We arrived at our hotel, put all our stuff in the room, and just sat on the bed looking at each other...kind of like ummm what do we do now? At that point my phone rang showing a 910 number so we answered it, and the "person" started screaming at Curtis about how he has 20 pizzas for him and wants to know how he is going to get paid. I told Curtis to hang up the phone. My phone then rang for a second time. This time I answered it, and it was a "man" with an accent claiming he was my neighbor and yelling at me why did I keep stealing his newspaper. Ok, so now I'm freaking out because I don't know what the hell is going on. I text the sitter to just casually remind her to lock the doors. The phone calls stopped after that, and come to find out it was a stupid app you can download and send these messages to people. I was furious, because whoever did this more than likely knew that we were away from the kids, and wanted to scare us. Curtis and I decided after that we needed a drink so we head out to grab some dinner at Margarittaville (if you haven't been, then go!!!). We had a great time that night!

The next day we just hung out at the pool in the morning, went to a Pirate Voyage for a show and lunch, and for dinner Planet Holleywood. All great places, and if you ever have the chance to go I highly suggest it. We went for a walk along the beach after dinner, it was so peaceful hearing the waves crashing.

Sunday, it was time to come home :( I was sad to leave, but happy to get back to the kids. We got home around 3, and just relaxed for the rest of the night as a family. I started getting a really sharp pain in my chest around 7pm, I couldn't take a deep breath without wanting to cry. I felt like someone was stabbing me repeatedly in the chest. I went to bed hoping it was gone in the morning, and sure enough there is was, even worse than the night before. I'm not one to go to the ER, but this was pretty serious and needed the attention. I went to the clinic (figured it would be a shorter wait time), and told then what I was feeling. They sent me for an x-ray and blood work. After I did both I went home and waited for the doctor to call me with the results. Curtis had a meeting at the fire department, and it seemed that as soon as he left the doctor called and told me that the blood test she had me go for was very high, and I should head over to the ER at my earliest convenience to get a Cat scan done. Earliest convenience???? I called Curtis and told him I needed to go in to the ER. He was home quicker then anything, and I headed out by myself. I didn't want the kids sitting there with me and nothing to do, plus I figured I would be home in a few hours anyway.

Boy was I wrong! They did all the tests they had to, and the nurse came back in, and said everything seems to look fine, and I should be going home.  Hahahaha!! She left the room and the old, grouchy doctor came in, pulled up a chair, and wasn't so grouchy anymore. I figured it was because he needed to have good bed side manner if he was going to give me bad news. YUP, that's exactly what it was. He said I have a blood clot in my lung and they were going to admit me. WHAT?!?!?! I said, can't I go home tonight and come back tomorrow. Stupid question, thats for sure. I called Curtis and told him, and he came to the ER after he found someone to go to the house and sit with the kids.

Being in the hospital for three days is NOT my idea of fun especially when you have to share a room with an old woman who shits her pants and stinks up the room, and listens to the TV on so loud I couldn't hear myself think. Thank god for the morphine they were giving me otherwise I wouldn't have been able to sleep. Everyday the nurses came in and gave me Lovenox injections in my belly to help break up the clot, also I had to take coumidin. I was restricted to a certain diet which sucked because hospital food tastes like crap as it is. They told me I would be able to go home as soon as I could give myself the injections. You better believe I learned to do that quick as shit just so I could get the hell out of there. The doctor trusted that I was going to be able to do this and sent me on my way.

I was all doped up on pain meds, having to give myself injections, and take coumidin. I was very overwhelmed. All I kept thinking was geez this is what I get for taking time away from the kids, even though the doctor said it was probably from the birth control and smoking. I stopped taking the birth control and did good for a few days without smoking, but couldn't stand it anymore. I had a follow up with my doctor a couple days later, and she comes into the room, the first thing she says is "you are very lucky because you could have died." Ummm...yes I know this.

Im still seeing my doctor every 2 weeks once a month depending on my numbers. I'm not sure how long I will have to take the coumidin for, and not too worried about because it eases my mind just a tiny bit knowing this is what is helping the clots from forming. I walk around paranoid because I know if this happens again I could possibly not make it, and that's why I set a date for me to quit smoking by. I have to start taking better care of myself.

I also want to tell people that if you have the slightest bit of chest pain, or any severe pain for that matter, please go get it checked. Don't just sit there thinking it will just go away, it could be nothing but you never know.

Strength

So...Curtis and I have decided to quit smoking!! It is something we should have stuck to the first time we tried it. We went to Florida last April, and quit the day before we left, seven days later without any nicotine we got home and back to reality I guess you could say, and just went right back to the nasty habit. I have been thinking lately, especially after being in the hospital with a pulmonary embolism that it is time to quit. Why risk my life over a stupid cigarette? I want to be able to breath without wanting to die after walking from the car to class, I want my kids to be able to say, "my parents don't smoke," I don't want people to be around me and say ughh she smells like smoke.

What am I gaining by picking up that cigarette? NOTHING!!!!! I'm certainly not able to run around outside with the kids for long periods of time, I'm not showing my children that smoking is a nasty habit, and they should never do it. I am however putting myself at risk for having another PE, and I'm putting my kids at risk for breathing problems because of the second hand smoke. Even though we do not smoke in the house or in the car, it is on our clothes.

We are setting a quit date for February 11. I will be cutting down from now until then so it won't be completely cold turkey. This girl will have the strength to do this, I'm planning on buying plenty of regular old gum and everytime I feel like smoking I will just pop a piece in my mouth. After I feel like I have achieved this and am able to breath normally I will begin my journey to get back in shape!! Jillian Michaels here I come!!

Medical Office Administration

My third semester in school, and I'm loving every minute of it! There is also the little voice asking me "what were you thinking?" I'm still fighting with myself trying to figure out if I planned this semester the best way I could have, and always come up with the same answer....I registered for six classes, now just take it one day at a time and I'll be fine. What scares me the most is Psychology, mostly because of how the final exam is going to be. She is going to give us 200 definitions, and we have to know 100 of them. That just seems like a lot of information to cram into my brain. Add that with the Medical Terminology, and a research based English class, and I have my plate over flowing. Word Processing, Music, and Keyboarding I can deal with.

I'm going to need to find some quiet time to study at least once or twice a week because living in a house with three energetic kids leaves me not much quiet around here. I think the library will be my best friend for the next 5 months!

I was looking at jobs online today, and I'm getting pretty excited about getting out in the "real" world and put all my knowledge to use.

Oh! Did I mention I have two papers to write, each having to be 4-5 pages long. Wish me luck because I'm going to need it. I don't mind doing the research, but to get it down on paper is challenging for me. Keeping a positive attitude through all of this!!!!

My time

School is a place I can go to get away from all the craziness at home.  My first semester was a drag, I would wake up every day thinking ughhhh another day of school.  I talked to people, but didn't really feel as though I clicked with anyone.  I survived that semester just by being a friendly person.  I took the summer off wishing that I took at least one class because after the kids had been on summer break for a month I was ready to go back and have a couple of hours of me time.  When it was time for the fall semester I was looking forward to getting back even if I wasn't going to know anyone AGAIN!  A few weeks into the semester I met an amazing person Tonya, who quickly became a really great friend.  Finally, someone I could talk to during the day!  Everything started coming together after because I met four other amazing women: Shannon, Lindsay, Marty, and Amanda.  Here we are a group of 6 different personalities, and we got along perfectly!  It was amazing how fast we all became such great friends, so great that we are now the unstoppable Flying Cats! (that's a story in itself). 

Now that I've met a wonderful group of beautiful women I couldn't wait to go to school and talk about almost anything.  There was nothing we can't talk about.  I'm now in my third semester, classes with all five of the girls, and couldn't be happier.  I started going to school saying "I'm here to learn, not make friends" and boy am I glad I didn't let that stop me from meeting the girls.  My life wouldn't be complete if I didn't have them in it.  In just 5 short months I have made five friends that will be a part of me FOREVER!!!!

2012

I am going to try and start off the New Year with a positive attitude!  In the past month I have realized that life is too short to be dwelling on all the stupid everyday bullshit.  I have worn myself out stressing over things that are so minor compared to what some other people have to go through, and it makes me look like a selfish person for doing so.  My family, health, and happiness will come first and in that order.  I am also going to try and be less judgemental.  It just gets under my skin when people complain over and over again and don't do anything about the situation.  I know this because I used to be one of them, for 6 years to be exact, so I understand that sometimes it is hard to do anything, but living my life now after meeting Curtis and realizing there are better things out there for me and my children, I should've done something sooner.  I love the quote "Everything Happens for a Reason."  If I didn't move back in with my parents, and visit my sister 4 years ago I probably would have missed the best thing in the world, and that was meeting Curtis.